For years I used to think this was a weakness or poor aspect of myself. I’ve realized that I was wrong.
I’ve always had this urge for change. I used to say that I got bored easily and that’s why I was always changing things. I would wonder what was wrong with me, what healing did I need that kept me from being able to just settle down. When I look back on my life I can see how in almost every area I have always craved change. This can’t be okay.
Recently what I realized is that I have a nomadic adventurous spirit. I’ve known I’m builder and that was a good first step but this recent one has brought so much clarity. What I always saw as a negative and something to be tamed is now something that I’m embracing and feel a huge freedom in.
I can only be in a a place and do the same thing for so long before I flat line. My spirit craves pushing the limits of myself. It longs for the journey into what would be uncharted territory for me. I’ll build “it” but someone will have to step in at some point and continue the growth of “it” and if I’m going to stay in “it” then there needs to be a greater challenge.
Is it a craving for risks? Is it the need for an adrenaline rush? I don’t think so. The traveling there, climbing that mountain or jumping out of that plane isn’t what I’m after. Those are like a massive jolt. I’m not looking to live from jolt to jolt. This is more of a life from day to day and season to season. It’s in the very fiber of my being. I’m now certain it’s an actual chromosome somewhere. I say that jokingly but honestly looking back on my life, this way about me has always been there. It’s been there trying desperately to be heard and embraced.
Lately I’ve had this impulse while I’m driving to just keep driving. When I come close to approaching the exit on the freeway that will lead me to the office I begin the process of telling my hands to turn the steering wheel and go where time is telling me to go. I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering if my job is that bad. It’s not. Not at all. Me continuing to drive is not me running away from something. I think it’s the recognition that I’m reaching an end some place in my life and it’s time to get ready to move on. Moving on isn’t hard for me. Which is where things can get rocky…
Why don’t we look up more often?
This morning I woke up to one of my cats looking up at the ceiling. I have absolutely no idea why. In fact, I really dislike that she does that. There isn’t a single thing to be looking at but nudge her as I may, she keeps looking up.
We go through life looking straight ahead as we walk or run. We look down to navigate the possible stumbles along the way. Of course who in their right mind would venture life by looking up? That, I suppose, would require stopping where we are and what we’re doing.
For some time I’ve been doing a lot of looking down and straight ahead. I say looking down the most because there’s so many stumbles to navigate. This past week has been a place of calm. Peaceful. I realized I’ve been looking up. I took the hint from my cat and just started looking up.
Looking up gave me perspective. I started seeing more of God than my circumstance. Looking up gave me a break from the drama. Looking up gave me hope and made me light. I like this looking up thing. Of course those around me have no idea what I’m looking at or more specifically why I’m so calm but my cat doesn’t care that we think she’s crazy so I’m not going to care either. In fact I think she giggles to herself in the midst of it all. Think I’ll giggle too.🙂
I remember the days of all 5 of us driving to church together, sitting together through service and enjoying the loved Sunday meal following service. We called it “Lunner”. It was our combination of lunch and dinner. There’s always this one meal after church service that’s been a family tradition. A tradition not just for my family but for countless families.
Lately that’s all been a struggle.
This past Sunday I drove to church in a state of mind and emotion that I can’t really put into words. I looked at the cars ahead of me like I would on any other day of driving. What I saw in front of me probably wasn’t the first I had seen it but it certainly impacted me the most that day. I was driving my car to church with my daughter riding shot gun. Where was the rest of my family? Ahead of me. Ahead of me in the two cars I was following. My son driving in front of me. My husband and youngest son in the car ahead. Three cars for a family of 5 being driven to church.
Our stop before church was to brunch. “Luner” has become a time challenge. The way the service times land and me working the evening service doesn’t really allow much space for it so we tried brunch. It was okay. We did get to sit through church together which is a rare event. My husband serves and so do each of our kids. Trying to get everyone on a similar serving schedule isn’t that easy either.
So why the three cars? I stay behind because I work the evening service. My oldest son serves. My husband and our other two kids had a meeting. There’s usually something each Sunday that divides us up.
I’m happy of course that my family is growing and has a heart to serve. I guess my place of struggle is what happens to the family structure in the midst of church? My thinking is having to change but it feels amazingly forced. No longer can I see church as a place for family to come together. I’m having to see it now as a place and Sunday a day where family is scattered. Should I be focused on the unity of spirit as we each serve? I don’t have an answer. It’s an inner tension for now. This isn’t a complaint. Just a mom who’s employed by the church with a family who serves and trying to figure out the balance of it all.
I just turned 45 and I’m starting a blog. That doesn’t sound mid-life at all right? I actually used to blog quit a bit but stopped when I felt I couldn’t be as free to share my thoughts anymore. I’ve thought through whether to pick it back up again and what the focus would be. There needs to be a focus right? Those are the rules.
I’m breaking the rules.
I have more than a few thoughts to put into words and many more emotions forming into thoughts eagerly awaiting words. But for now this is my first post. First I need to get through these next hours of turning 45 and all that comes with it. The emotions, the thoughts, the words.